A place for thinking and reflection...

Stuff

2006-06-14T18:30:00.000+10:00

Well, its probably been more than a year since I wrote anything in here. So, whats happened in this space of time you ask? Well, I've moved about 3 times, got a job, started uni and grown as a person. well, thats what I think anyway. This past year has been full of happy times, sad times, mistakes, loves, hates, new friendships and relationships. Theres too much to go over I supposer, but just so you all know I'm alive and well.

Notes about stuff

2005-12-08T18:23:00.000+10:00

Ok, so yeah I know its been forever since i've written in here, but I've been away from the comp and there has been a lot of thinking that I've had to do. Life is such a hard yet interesting journey. Theres so much happiness, pain, fun, boredom, relationships and friendships. Friends have always been an important part of my life. But real true friends are hard to find. There were friends who were with me in the hard times, and there were people who were my friends who weren't. I'm sorry to say this to them, but I really was disappointed. I've always been there for my friends, but for them not to be there for me, well, it hurt. I was going through a lot of hard stuff, a lot of stress, and I didn't even get a call, email, or heard a friendly encouraging word from them. There have been a few people who I am the most disappointed in, and they will hear from me what I think soon. One or two in particular who I really thought cared about me but I really did find out what you were really like and what you did to not only me but other people at the same time. In the same time, I've made new friends and new relationships. Right now, I'm happily waiting for someone to come back from Shepparton after working there for a bit over 3 months. I'm ever so excited and happy about that and can't wait to see him. He was the one person who put up with me for months whether I was happy or sad, stressed and grumpy and mad at the world. He dragged me out to be with people, took me places, cooked me dinner, made me feel special and treated me the way I deserved to be. I think its time for me to sort out my life, my friends, my relationships and for it to be out in the open what I really think of people and what I know of them, and how they have hurt me. Yeah, I know I'm babbling on, and most of you know nothing of what I'm saying and it won't make any sense at all. Well, after that muddled up mess, I've moved to Bris. Moved a bit over 2 months ago. Have been working hard and having lots of fun. Been getting up at around 4ish each morning. Too early but ah well, work gives money which is needed in this world. Work is pretty ok. Its not the best or the most glamorous work, but it is still work. Christmas work party is on next weekend. YAY! I get extra money for working extra hard. YAY! Anyway, work is worth the early mornings and abuse and the heat and the hard work. My boss is pretty good. And I'm fitting in pretty well I think. Anyway, enough about work, I talk about it enough already. Well, what else have I been doing... ummm.. Not too much, I'm just resting up lots and enjoying my time in Bris. I don't want to burn myself out like last time. Wow, this is not a note, this is like an essay, which reminds me. Uni offers will be coming out soon hopefully.. yay yay yay. Can't wait till uni. I wanna know where I got in and stuff.. WIll be fun. Its thunderstorming.. I hate thunderstorms. Its childish I know but I'm so scared of the thunder. Always have been. Its worse like now when I'm home alone. I should get to some cleaning soon. The house isn't all the messy anyway, just something for me to do so I don't get too bored and lazy. Anyway, I'm out for now. Most of you would have caught up as to where I am what I'm doing etc etc etc. And Pete, when you get to Bris for hols tell me so I can come see you. Anyway, I'm out. Talk to you all laters.

...

2005-07-16T19:07:00.000+10:00

I've subtly been told that I don't post enough, so I'll post this lil quick one now and another one later... So, whats happened, I went to see End Of Fashion and Tambalane, both awesome live bands which I definitely want to see again, and who had some very stalkable people... Had the most awesome time in the front row and ended up missing the bus home so i got home after 7 the next day.. I was dead.. I hate all nighters... And another thing.. what is it about me that strange creepy randoms come and try and pick me up? I've had in this past week or two sooooooo many creepy randoms coming up to me and talking to me... Its strange, I think I'll go around having a paper bag on my head so people will leave me alone. Well, my mum has left for Poland and I'm left here with my dad so I'm extremely busy doing cleaning most of the time... I think I have a thing for germs.. I clean everything a million times. Anyway, must go, I have trivia to do.. I'll post something slightly more meaningful, but now I'll get back to drooling ova my msn pic of the hot bass player from End Of Fashion.. Later

Stuff, stuff and thats right.. you guessed it.. MORE STUFF!!!!

2005-05-18T19:56:00.000+10:00

Hey hey.. I hail to you all in blogger land from a brand spanking new computer!!! Its about time too... the last computer wasn't exactly... workable... And yes, its been a while since I've blabbed on here, so its about time I wrote something... I am moving to Brissie soon.. YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!! I've almost finished TAFE AND i applied for my first job yesterday... I have a baby nephew.. his name is Dwayne Daniel... Boy do I feel old now. I'm off to Brissie tomorrow to shop.. cause I miss shopping lots and lots and I get to see some cool people too... oooo.. visiting cool people is fun.. AND i get to go see Wil Anderson LIVE!!!!! OMG!!!! I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv Wil lots and lots and lots... Anyway, I think thats enuff for now, I must be off to do other things.. can't spend all my time here now can i??? Luv yas... Be back later...........

Old age....

2005-05-10T19:40:00.000+10:00

Looks like a new stage of life... I'm an auntie, and boy do I feel old...

A new year

2005-04-27T22:44:00.000+10:00

Next time I write in here I will be one year older, one year smarter and hopefully one year wiser... Be back in a few days to share some more of my new found wisdom that a birthday gives to you... Love ya all except for those I don't love...

Honesty...

2005-04-21T19:59:00.000+10:00

I hate it when I find out things about people through stupid ways... like through other people, or written somewhere by them for the whole world to see... except for me. I say this because I have just seen what someone I love has written, not to me, but to other people, that they had lied about. Apart from the shock and hurt I feel now, there is so much... anger that they didn't trust me enough to tell me. To those who read this, be honest with people, because when they find out that you haven't been honest, there will be a lot of hurt, a lot of pain and a lot of questions. The trust will be gone, love tested and hearts broken. So tell people you love them every day... Tell people they mean a lot to you... Tell them whats in your heart, tell them the truth.. They deserve that much... Nothing less. Then there won't be the confusion and hurt that I feel now...

New hate...

2005-04-16T13:42:00.000+10:00

I have found a new hate. Well, its a hate thats been there, but its the first time I've ever wanted to say it out in the open. I hate people who are your 'friends' but are complete assholes/bitches when they're in a so called 'bad mood'. They're the friends who tell ya how much they care about you, how much they love you, how much they want to see you, but when it comes time for you to see them, they just ignore you or are complete assholes to you. Why I'm still talking to these people, I don't know... But one thing I do know, theres not many chances left for you if you're one of those people and continue to do it... So shape up, or its over, cause I can't take it anymore...

...

2005-04-14T12:04:00.000+10:00

Exciting news... My mum is finally home.. YAY! I got the most awesome stuff... I have a new watch, earrings, necklace, top, hat and shoes... I'm going to Poland next year to go shopping... Anyway, not much else has happened.. I'm going to tafe as usual.. BORING! I'm having lunch with Kel tomorrow which is cool, and Steve'll be there too.. hes moving to toowoomba land... oh well, I'm going soon so I can't complain.. Anyway, don't have much to say, or much time, I'll post something exciting next time...

Whats the point of a title???? I can't think of one... ever

2005-04-08T15:39:00.000+10:00

Well, I was only gonna post when Pete did, and since he did today or the other day or whatever, I have to have a post... Well, theres not really all that much to say.. I live in stanthorpe, nothing much happens... Although I do have a slightly interesting TAFE story. After getting home from Brissie at 2 this morning, I got a phonecall from TAFE telling me I needed to get in this morning, so I dragged myself out of bed just to change a photocopier toner cartridge... Something which should've taken 2 minutes, took half a lesson... basically an hour! The flippin thing didn't fit in and toner was spilling everywhere blah blah blah... Not my fault though, something was wrong in there... The teacher nearly broke the thing too trying to get it in. I did all this stylishly dressed in a huge apron, safety goggles and gloves... It was one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever had to do. And then when it was over, toner came through the gloves and stained my hands anyway... stupid thing. Anyway, that was the only interesting thing... I've spent the rest of the day online or bumming around since I got woken up so early... So now you are all caught up and stuff to my boring life. I'll post sometime soon!

I found a song for a special someone....

2005-03-31T17:56:00.000+10:00

Ok, some of you know who this is, some don't, but this describes a certain someone I know....

No more!
The crap rolls out your mouth again
Haven't changed, your brain is still gelatine
Little whispers circle around your head
Why don't you worry about yourself instead
Who are you? Where ya been? Where ya from?
Gossip is burning on the tip of your tongue
You lie so much you belive yourself
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself
Holier than thou
You are
Holier than thou
You are
You know not
Before you judge me take a look at you
Can't you find something better to do
Point the finger, slow to understand
Arrogance and ignorance go hand in hand
It´ s not who you are, it´s who you know
Others lives are the basis of your own
Burn your bridges and built them back with wealth
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself
Holier than thou
You are
Holier than thou
You are
You know not

(Courtesy of Metallica who MUST have known her...)

I'm back...

2005-03-24T12:28:00.000+10:00

Ok, time to listen to Pete again... I must be the laziest blogger person on the planet. Or maybe I just have nothing to say which is unusual. So.. news.... Ummm... I still live in Stanthorpe. (Oh joy or not) but I'm moving soon which is somewhat exciting. Oh, yeah, I'm moving to the land of Toowoomba most likely and I'm moving in with two guys which is also exciting. Ok, now we got that outta the way.. New obsession with Brandon Flowers who is the lead singer of The Killers. I swear I'm gonna marry him. Or stalk him either or it doesn't matter.... Lol. Oh, and Pete, I'm coming to visit. My parents say I deserve a holiday, so I'm coming your way to see you as my holiday. You're one lucky ducky! I'm on my way to finishing tafe which is exciting and its easter holidays. YAY!!!!! Although nothings happening and I'm not going anywhere the word 'holiday' at the end of anything is exciting for me. Anyway, thats all I can think of. I'll sign in and type away when something else comes to my head. Ciao!

I can't think of a title, but oh well....

2004-11-20T12:24:00.000+10:00

Ok, ok, ok... Pete I know you told me AGES ago to post again, but it seems like I've been slack. This is currently like my second post... WOOHOO... I have no idea what I'm posting about but I'll think of some topic.... Ummmm... Ummm.... I have been attending a workshop in Warwick. Part of todays topic was self esteem. When I looked at myself years ago, I thought I was an alright person, I didn't particularly care if people liked me or not, the important thing was, I liked myself. I looked at myself today, and its amazing how your perception of you changes. Right now, I don't like myself... at all... zilch... If I were someone else, I wouldn't be friends with me, I couldn't stand it. Personally, I don't see what people see in me. I am amazed that people actually truly like me, and things about me. Today was the day I realised, I basically have no self esteem. Now, people always blame society for self esteem. In a way, I guess its true. But I don't like myself because for so many years I've put myself down. Secretly, I never thought I was good enough for anything important, or anyone for that matter. In all my past relationships, I was always putting myself down, and even though the other person may have done something wrong, I always blamed myself... Why? I honestly do not know. People are always saying how incredible I am... How i'm funny (apparently), how I'm nice, kind... but I don't see most of it. Sure, I put everyone elses needs in front of my own at most times, and in the end, I get burnt but I still don't see whats good in me... I guess I just don't want to be up myself. People tell you, write a list of 10 things you like about yourself... Ok, I'll start here:

I like helping people (I don't know if thats whats meant to go here, but I can't think of anything else)
I like my eyes

Ok, thats as far as I can get. I sat there for about 15 mins thinking of one thing... the second one took like half an hour. So can I really honestly EVER come up with 10 things, if the best I can do is 2? I don't blame people for teasing and bullying me when I was young. I don't blame people for making my life hell when I got older. There is no one to blame. But when I look around, I'm amazed by how I've put up this self confident facade. I admit, I have lots of friends, tons of them... I love them all to death and would do anything for them, but even though these people see so much in me, I can't see it. I bet all my friends who read this will prattle off all these positive things about me. Sure I appreciate them. I'll say thanks, be embarrassed, but the thing is I don't believe them. No matter how much you drum it into my head, its not going to stay. Thats the funny thing with self esteem... once its down, you're down too, because you have nothing good to say about you... You can't even lie and say you have a great self esteem, because, its just not true. I think thats the other reason why I let people walk all over me. I've been told its something to do with self worth. I guess that must tie in somewhere. Don't quote me on this, I'm no expert, but I'm guessing they tie in together cause if you don't have much self esteem, I guess your self worth goes down and you let people walk all over you meaning, welcome to my world. Another thing they've been trying to teach me is to try and be assertive... Sure, easier said then done.. When I don't want to open my mouth and say my opinion when I have a right to say my opinion and let people walk all over me, well I guess that means that I do have a problem with my self esteem. I don't need you all rushing to say how good I am etc etc... Just give me some time to make my list which will hopefully be more than 2 things, and say it to myself and really believe it so that next time someone says something good about me, I can believe it... I have my fingers crossed it will work, cause it sure sucks not being able to think of anything good about yourself... Cheers, I'll blab onto something different next time.. And I'll try and make more sense than what this does cause I have a feeling its all over the place.

My first post in blogspot.. eeeeeeekkk...

2004-10-27T09:54:00.000+10:00

Well, its my first post... WOOHOO.. time for celebration... *searches for champayne, but instead finds cordial*.. oh well, we celebrate with.. cordial... I'm not gonna say too much on my first post, I'll keep this one short and simple. Well, it feels great to be in this little world with yas all... Feel free to comment, and I'll see you all around. Cheers!